After asking your teenager to clean up his or her room for the billionth time, you are probably ready to douse the room in gasoline and set it ablaze. Don’t worry, you aren’t the first parent who has considered going to such extremes; and fortunately, there are ways to cope and manage your teenager’s untidy habits without ruining access to his room and his heart.  

If you let go of your perfectionism, you will improve your relationship with your teen, reduce your stress and feel like a better parent. Now if you think you are stressed out, imagine how your teenager feels. The teen years are some of the most difficult years to navigate both emotionally and physically. Your teenager is going through a hormonal rollercoaster and at the same time is trying to exert some independence. Unfortunately for you, these changes translate into a sometimes moody, young person who wants to keep his room a mess.

To a teenager, his room and appearance are two of the few things he feels he has control over. Thus, in order to establish some independence from you, the room gets messy and sometimes he dresses in ways he knows you would not approve of. Because insisting on an antiseptic room will only lead to arguments and potentially damage your relationship, you have to let go of your standards in that one space of your home.

The first step is to establish reasonable boundaries. If your teenager deposits his things around the communal living spaces of your home, you have to stop him. It is one thing to live in a dirty room; it’s another thing completely to affect the other members of your household by creating a cluttered home. If your teen doesn’t want to pick up his things, there is always a big trash bag. The rustling of the garbage bag will probably be enough to send him into action. Require your teen to clean up his things from around the house each evening. If he doesn’t, throw the stuff away or put it in a box in your closet. In essence, ground his things until he can comply with the rule.  

It is important to teach your teenager to respect other people’s space and things. By not compromising on keeping communal living spaces clean, you not only get a clean house but you send your teen the message that respecting others is not negotiable.

Next, insist that no food be left in the bedroom. This rule is important because it is unsanitary and unhealthy to have food in one’s bedroom for weeks on end. Other than that, the clutter won’t kill him.  

There is a big difference between being cluttered and being dirty. Maybe the problem is that your teen has too much stuff. Offer to help your teen box away some old toys or stuffed animals. Keep ones that have significant meaning, but donate the rest to charity. Offer to help him go through clothes for possible donation, or offer a reward for initiative, if he does it himself. Fifty cents per item of clothing donated would be a pretty good incentive.  

If you’re having problems discerning the clean clothes from the dirty clothes on the floor, stop washing his clothes and teach him to wash his own. This stops you from having to do double or triple the work washing clean clothes that got commingled with dirty clothes and became dirty by association. If your teenager has to wear dirty clothes to school often enough, peer pressure will force him to give his clothes a bath.

The bottom line is you can always shut his door. Once you have decided on the non-negotiables, relax. Your teen’s untidiness is most likely a phase. You need to let him know that he cannot disturb other people’s peace and comfort, but other than that, clutter is not going to make him a horrible person. You can be consoled in the fact that a few years from now, your teen will be keeping a clean house and will appreciate that your relationship with him is much more important than a little bit of the dust and clutter of this world.

Action Steps

• Decide on non-negotiables
• Teach your teen that his space is his, but he must help keep the rest of the house neat.
• Don’t give in and do it for him.
• Shut the door to his room.
• Relax!   It’s only a phase.
• Remember, your relationship is more important than clutter.

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By Tammy Swanson

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